Relationships

Fears my clients express about relationships.

Allowing people to matter to me is scary. If I let people matter then I am making myself vulnerable to the pain of loss. I tell myself the story that I am defended, that I can’t really love or care, that in some way I am deficient in loving. By telling this story of myself and believing it I think I can protect myself from loss. I can’t. It’s just a story. I do let people in and I do care, I just delude myself that I don’t. When loss looks like happening I withdraw in the hope that this will lessen the pain. It doesn’t. I have been busy creating a fantasy that doesn’t work.

The problem that this story creates is that by denying my love for others I unconsciously depend even more on their love for me. Somehow the story has made me dependent on them for my own sense of myself. I secretly believe that if I lose someone, if they stop giving me the kind of affirming attention that I have grown to depend on, that I will be reduced and that their leaving confirms my own hidden belief that I am not worthy.

I have now noticed that if I consciously allow myself to care and I accept that in caring I will probably be hurt when i lose them (as I must do in the end whatever happens in between) then I begin to set them free and love them for who they are. it seems that in trying to hold them at a distance. I am simultaneously expecting them to give me all the validation that i lack in myself. I imprison others with my demands that they reassure me that i am valuable and iprtant. when i allow myself to care for them this demand seems to evaportate. it is a strange thing i have discovered.

Nicole Renaud

Nicole Renaud

English, French and German B.A. (USA), M.Couns & H.S.(Australia), PACFA Adv. Dip. Gestalt Therapie, GANZ

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